I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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