you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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