Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
