Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
