remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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