Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
