they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
