I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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