You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
