a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
