Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
