He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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