i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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