We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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