When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
