So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
