All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
