Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
