Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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