Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
