So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
