They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
