I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
