We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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