I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
