I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
