if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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