I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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