I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
