So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you inspire me to be a worse person
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Still dying that you shit outside
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
