I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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