Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
