If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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