last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
