toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
