i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
