Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
