So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
