Don't make out with my wife yet
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
