go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
