You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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