Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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