Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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