ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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