He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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