Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
