everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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