I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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