my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
