Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
