apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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