Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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