I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
